If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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