Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
