yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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