he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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