Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
