why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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