i can't believe i had my finger in that
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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