trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
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Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this like a preordered booty call?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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