I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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