you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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