Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
