That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
