You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
