plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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