dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
