Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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