why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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