and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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