She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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