There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
