I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
