I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
