I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
