Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
wanna go halves on a baby?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
MIDGETS
????
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Im part way to drunk.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
