I just pynch a tree in the face
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
