remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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