You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
