you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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