i need an iv and a liver transplant
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
handjob tips. give me some.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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