The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
