wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
