in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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