I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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