i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
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until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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