is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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