There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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