Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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