so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
