I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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