she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
