between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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