I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
are you so shy because you have an std?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
