he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She needs sedatives and a leash
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
