Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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