im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
