I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
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My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
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you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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