I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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