I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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