Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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