I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
