Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
