i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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