I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
