Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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