dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
