Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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