we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
50% drunk capacity currently
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
