I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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