The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
